Hard talks
Some conversations are far from easy. Yet, here's why I consider them necessary for fostering healthy and strong work relationships.
The first half of the year is finally coming to an end, and many of us, both managers and individual contributors (ICs), had to deal with some difficult conversations during the compensation review cycles that happened throughout the first quarter. These are the times when emotions can escalate since there are a lot of sensitive topics in play, on many different levels for each party involved. Some examples of these situations are:
The expected promotion that didn’t come.
The raise that didn’t match expectations.
The delicate situation setting of performance improvement plans (PIPs).
That re-org that removed the team’s budget or even divided the team itself.
The goal of this issue of
is to review some principles that I base myself on when having these kinds of talks: the hard talks, which usually come in two flavors: expected and unexpected. This post will mainly focus on the expected ones and how leaders can prepare for them. Although the same principles can be used for the unexpected talks, the heuristics may be different, so it's essential to think carefully and act accordingly.
This painting is called “Talking It Over”, by Enoch Wood Perry.
Principles over processes
Below is a list of principles I tend to follow over such talks as well as some prompts for you to assess if you’ve been practicing them.
Before
Building bonds. It all starts with good leadership basics: to be present. As with any relationship, it's important to work together with clear goals and expectations while also being human with one another. As leaders, we can build bonds with our team members by showing up, establishing close feedback loops, and having regular 1-on-1 meetings. It's not necessary to become the team's closest friend or therapist, which can be a common error. However, from my experience, the best leaders I've worked with have been present and tried to understand how I could do my best work by providing me with the necessary space and support. It all starts with knowing each other better and building a strong foundation of trust through regular check-ins and follow-ups.
Map the terrain. Setting clear expectations is crucial for everyone involved, and it starts well before the work relationship is formalized - it begins during the hiring interview. It’s important that both parties understand what’s expected from the job to be done, the level of support that will be provided, and how the role may evolve over time. With this understanding properly set, goals and targets can be set, as well as a plan to achieve them. A shared vision from the start will play a core role in building trust and collaboration between both parties.
During
Be transparent. Transparency is often viewed as the act of “saying everything, every time”. It’s way more nuanced than that, as there are times when confidentiality comes to play. Nonetheless, transparency can also be a powerful tool for us, as managers, to talk about how we don’t have as much power as people think we have. We are more advocates than judges with the final call, and by being transparent we can show to people what’s within our control, what actions we're taking to address those items, and how we're handling the aspects that aren't within our control.
Show empathy. Honesty is a facet of transparency, that’s why sometimes it might be a bit uncomfortable to practice it fully. Honesty without empathy is cruelty. Therefore, it’s fundamental as a leader to show to people that you care about them, their experiences, and feelings, as it will help to create a psychological safe environment much needed for these hard talks to flow.
Remove ambiguity. As leaders, it’s our job to communicate clearly and leave no margin for doubt. Do not know if that budget will be approved? Don’t promise. It’s better to acknowledge the uncertainty and commit to providing updates as soon as more information becomes available. Already know that a given person will not a get the promotion he/she asked for? Leverage the other two principles of transparency and empathy and be proactive by choosing an appropriate moment and space to have that talk.
Hold each party accountable. If there are any takeaways that you and the other person must chase as action points, state them loud and clear and already schedule a checkpoint to review progress. Are there any tasks that were left unfinished or that need to be completed soon? Agree on a deadline and ask for feedback on completion. Are there any steps that need to be taken for a project or plan? Assign them explicitly and ensure that the person understands their responsibilities.
Make sure to close the topic. To ensure sure that the subject is clearly understood, and that any required action points are identified, it is crucial to avoid circling back and prolonging discussions unnecessarily. People matters are delicate, so avoid leaving it in bain-marie as it will certainly lead to confusion and frustration.
After
Stay present. Doubts, questions, issues … a lot of our job as engineering leaders is to check-in not only on how projects are doing but also on how people are doing. By remaining present for further support in our journey together with the team members, we can demonstrate as leaders our commitment to them and reinforce a culture of trust and collaboration.
Wrapping-up
In the end, it’s not a matter of if but a matter of when these conversations will happen. And although there may not be a well-structured framework for those, I truly believe the principles shared above create a space with respect, safety, and trust between the parties involved. They might not get these conversations any easier - that’s why they’re called hard talks after all - but can help to ensure that they are handled in a respectful and effective manner.
Thanks for reading this month’s issue. See you in June! 👋🏻